Fallout Or Fall In (love) (Part Two): gift for estei

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Of course things couldn't continue in the same vein for long. The very next day when Brendon came out of his and Spencer's room he almost collided with Dallon in the hallway and even though Dallon brushed past Brendon in a hurry, he could see that the man had been crying. Before Brendon had the chance to say anything, Dallon was already going down the stairs, two steps at a time and out of his view in seconds.

Brendon swallowed down the lump in his throat, hating seeing his friend so torn up and not being able to help. The mountain of grief hanging over each of them was enough to crush even the strongest person and trying to balance their own loss, not crumbling under that, trying to lead even a semblance of a normal life... It was too hard, too much and trying to come up with words that might offer some comfort felt so fake, because Brendon wouldn't believe them if someone said them to him. So he was left standing in the hallway for a moment, trying not to just start bawling as well.

Seeing Dallon like that did put a damper on Brendon's day, he couldn't help but be affected. So after Zack and Dallon left for work, Brendon commandeered the guitar and started playing all of Sarah's favourite songs he could remember. He knew this wasn't very smart, that he was just torturing himself, but fuck, what was the point if he couldn't even remember his fiancée, couldn't be sad. Why did he have to keep on trying to act normal, like he hadn't lost anyone, when he had? "Fuck that shit." He muttered to himself in between songs.

Once he started playing 'Sarah Smiles', Spencer popped his head into the room looking at him with worried eyes, but Brendon couldn't meet his friend's gaze for long, instead staring determinedly at his fingering, ignoring the fact that he couldn't sing, his throat too closed up by unshed tears.

"Brendon, don't you want to get something to eat?" Spencer asked, obviously trying to distract Brendon from his grief.

"No, I'm okay." Brendon answered shortly, his voice slightly unsteady, no matter how hard he had tried to control it.

Spencer didn't answer immediately so Brendon had to look up to see what was going on, but Spencer was just standing there, leaning against the door-frame, looking tired and beaten down. "Alright." he said finally and just walked out again leaving Brendon with the feeling that he had somehow added to the burden Spencer was carrying around. It was a horrible feeling, guilt mixed with regret and suddenly Brendon just felt so tired. Bone weary, although he had just gotten out of bed after a good night's sleep.

"I hate this, I hate this." Brendon cursed, put the guitar down and went after Spencer.

He didn't need to look far, Spencer was sitting on the back steps, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie's hood, shoulders slumped, looking dejected.

"Spencer?" He asked, hating how unsure his voice sounded. But this was Spencer, who had been like a rock for him through this whole horrid thing. What would he do if Spencer became like Dallon? How could he cope then? Surely the mountain would instantly come rushing down, crushing him under its weight.

It felt like he could only breathe freely once again when Spencer turned to look at him and managed a sad little smile, showing to Brendon that at least Spencer wasn't angry with him, wasn't giving up on him.

"I'm sorry if I made you sad." He offered and went to sit next to Spencer on the step, their shoulders touching.

Spencer shrugged, "It wasn't just you. It's just everything, all of this shit, you know. But it's worse when you guys are depressed, I have no idea how to make that better, can't say anything. It's fucked up."

Brendon let himself lean against Spencer and nodded, "That's what gets to me too, I wish I could help Dallon, but I can't. There's nothing that would make him feel better."

He could feel Spencer nodding, "I worry about Ian too. He seems like he's the most adjusted of all of us, but he has no better idea if his family or his girlfriend are okay than us and yet he pretends like we're still on a vacation. Like he's in denial or something."

"And Zack." Brendon added, closing his eyes.

"He won't talk to me." Spencer added, his arm now around Brendon's shoulders and absentmindedly stroking his upper arm, the movement soothing despite everything.

"I think he thinks he needs to be strong for us, you two have a lot in common in that way." Brendon said, wry.

Spencer's hand paused for a moment but then continued petting Brendon, "I think we are all pretending to be strong for each other, I mean we can't all just break down. I don't know how healthy it is, but it's not like we know if we'll live to see old age anyway. Might as well add some repression into our repertoire."

Brendon let out a startled little laugh but smothered it quickly. It wasn't really funny.

They sat there for a while longer but then Spencer got up, pulling Brendon with him and shanghaied him into helping with the cleaning. When Brendon tried to protest Spencer just ignored him and went to find Ian, who would not be allowed to escape the manual labour either.

~*~

Although it was supposed to be summer in the southern hemisphere Brendon could feel the cold creep in. It had been over a month since he'd seen the sun for more than a few seconds at a time, when the dust cloud cover momentarily parted. It was getting colder and the rain continued to fall, dirty, disgusting, poisonous, killing plants and seeping into the ground water. Zack and Dallon were given protective gear to wear when they worked outside in the rain. MOP suits they were called and Zack said they got miserably hot and their own sweat would drench the clothes they wore underneath. They would come back home soaked and tired, but still in better spirits than they had been, which gave Brendon hope that they could get through this.

Every one of them had taken up new projects to keep themselves busy, instead of just drifting aimlessly around the house. Even Dallon, who had been hit the worst out of all of them, and who had needed the most time to grieve, had started working on a new song. Granted it was a very sad sounding song, but at least he was creating something again.

Ian had taken to drawing and didn't like to show his work, but from the glimpses Brendon had managed to sneak, it looked like a superhero comic of some kind. Zack was making something in the empty garage and didn't let anyone bother him there. Brendon was pretty sure Zack just went there to get a break from living with four other guys, but it seemed like a healthy coping mechanism to Brendon, so he didn't say anything.

Spencer had taken up reading, which was pretty unusual. Of course Spencer had read books before the disaster struck, but now it seemed to be his favourite pastime. It seemed kind of unpractical and maybe even a waste of resources to Brendon but the local library was still open, so Spencer had a place that could keep him in a fresh supply of unread books. About twice a week Spencer would walk a few miles to the library with a backpack and bring back new books. Now all the hours Spencer had usually spent watching tv, or playing videogames were spent with his nose buried in a book. Brendon had to admit it took some getting used to.

As for himself, Brendon hogged the most time on their shared guitar, just messing around with new stuff or playing his favourite songs for fun. Music and playing were the only things Brendon was willing to sit still for, for extended periods of time, so he was making the most of it. Still when the walls started leaning in and the feeling of claustrophobia started to set in Brendon would get up and go bother either Spencer or Ian, as he was most likely bored during the daytime when Dallon and Zack were at work. Ian was usually willing to put his own stuff away, to come jam with Brendon, or play some cards, or the ancient version of Trivial Pursuit Zack had found in the garage. When they played it they were mostly happy to make up their own answers to questions like: 'Who won the gold medal for Shot Put in the 1976 Summer Olympics?' because neither of them even knew what Shot Put was. So usually they awarded each other points by how creative the answer had been.

Sometimes Brendon just needed to move though and he took advantage of every moment when it wasn't raining by taking the rickety bike -another find from the garage, and driving around the suburbs, watching how people did their best to adjust to life after a nuclear disaster. Kids were still going to school and people were still trying to take care of their yards, even though that was obviously a losing battle. What he really wished he had was a skateboard, and Zack had even promised to keep an eye out for a bargain, if he could find one. Brendon had a feeling he might get one for his birthday, which wasn't that far off anymore.

When Brendon came back from one of his bike rides he found Spencer where he had left him, half laying down on the couch, a paperback resting on his chest as he read. Brendon sighed dramatically and flopped almost on top of Spencer's legs and made himself comfortable. "Whatcha reading?" he asked as he grabbed one of the throw pillows and propped his head in a better position with it.

Spencer spared him a glance over his book and poked Brendon on the hip with his sock-covered feet. "It's by this Terry Pratchett guy. I've been reading through his books, there are dozens at the library and they are pretty funny. This one is about Death."

"Why would you want to read about death, sounds seriously depressing and we've had enough depressing stuff to last us five lifetimes." Brendon protested and tried to turn on the tv, before he realised that the electricity would obviously be off.

"It's not like that," Spencer explained and put his finger between the pages to keep his place. "Death is like the Reaper Man in this universe and he doesn't really get what humans are like, so when he tries to interact with anyone it usually has some funny results. Also he speaks in all capslock, which doesn't sound very funny but it is when you read it. Fuck I don't know how to explain, just let me read this in peace, okay?"

"But I need my Spencer time." Brendon whined, just to be a brat and poked Spencer's foot with his finger in retaliation. "If you are so unwilling to stop reading, you could at least read it out loud to me."

Spencer rolled his eyes, "It's not like this will make any sense to you, I'm half way through the book. But okay." And he started reading.

Of course Spencer had been right, Brendon didn't know what was going on, so he ended up asking a lot of questions, which Spencer answered long-sufferingly. When Spencer's voice got tired they swapped and Brendon read out loud, making sure to make up funny voices for all the characters, even though Spencer insisted his Death sounded too emo. The noise seemed to have attracted Ian, because the man poked his head in and then joined them, claiming the only comfortable armchair they had. That of course meant that Spencer had to explain the plot so far to Ian, although Ian insisted he must have read the book at some point because it sounded familiar. Surprisingly or not, they ended up having a lot of fun, passing the book back and forth between them, laughing at the funny bits and then arguing about which character had been the most kick-ass once they got to the end.

"We should definitely do that again." Brendon enthused and threw the book on the coffee table, causing Spencer to make a distressed sound, "Dude, chill, I was super careful with that throw." Brendon laughed at Spencer who just huffed and muttered something about the fees he would have to pay if the book was damaged.

~*~

Brendon had to admit he was doing better. On the sixteenth of February, the four-month anniversary of the goddamn end of the world, he felt pretty mellow. It was making him feel pretty guilty, but how long were you supposed to grieve anyway? Who got to decide that? There had been a report in the news a few days ago saying that people were working on establishing phone lines back into working order in the States. They had finally gotten to that project now that the most essential things were working at least somewhat. There was a chance now that he might be able to call home in a few weeks, a month tops.

It was really hard to keep waiting, now that he knew it would be possible to talk to his mom again, make sure his relatives were okay, even when he knew intellectually that the fallout in Nevada hadn't been nearly as bad as it could have been. He could see that the news had affected the others as well, but not as positively as they had been for him. Dallon and Zack especially only got grumpier, even though Brendon knew for a fact that they both still had parents and relatives they could have called.

"Do you think this makes me a horrible person?" he asked Spencer one afternoon as they were peeling potatoes for that nights dinner.

"Start from the beginning, it's not like I can read your mind, idiot." Spencer said mildly, not even glancing at Brendon.

"How I think I'm moving on. I mean I loved Sarah, like I've never felt like that before her and I would have married her, but I think I'm going to be okay. So I'm actually looking forward to calling my parents when they get the international calling up again, but it just seemed to make Zack and Dallon feel worse. They miss their wives so much. It makes me feel shitty." Brendon explained honestly.

Spencer made a humming sound as he listened to Brendon and then shook his head. "I don't think you should compare yourself to them. I mean nobody will try to tell you that you didn't love Sarah; everyone could see how you felt about each other. But you didn't have that much time together, you guys didn't have the time to forge that bond, um, how to put it, like what Dallon and Zack had with their wives, or our parents had with each other. What you had was still new. I don't know, maybe I'm just making you feel worse about this. Ignore what I said."

"No I think it makes sense, I get what you were trying to say. I spent more time of my life with you, or my family, than I got to spend with Sarah. In a way I didn't have the time to grow to love her as much." Brendon mused and plopped the potato from his hand into the water filled cooking pot.

Spencer didn't say anything for a while but then asked, "Do you think we should try to go back?"

The question took Brendon by surprise and he stared at Spencer, willing him to meet his eyes. However, Spencer seemed to have other plans as he kept his eyes down, his hair so long it easily covered his expression from Brendon. "Home? Or to Vegas?" Brendon asked carefully.

"Vegas, it's not like there is much left of the West Coast." Spencer specified and then continued, "They have those cargo ships moving between continents again, I dunno, we might have to go through Mexico or Canada and then drive to Nevada from there but it's doable."

Brendon had of course thought about going home. Every fucking night, but now, when Spencer spelled out such a simple plan how they could do it... Well, it didn't seem so simple anymore. "I don't know Spence, it feels so huge, I can't even wrap my head around the idea. I guess I had been telling myself that we can't go back, that there's no way. Do you think we should?"

Spencer shrugged, "I don't know. If I could decide I'd get my family here. It's a lot safer to live in Australia right now than it is in America, but you know as well as I do that they've closed the borders here. Not taking any refugees from anywhere. It was touch and go for a while if we were going to get booted out of the country, right after the bombing. But we could go back. I worry about them, you know."

Feeling the urge to hug Spencer, Brendon didn't hesitate to grab his friend by the shoulders and turn him around for a tight squeeze. Brendon buried his nose in Spencer's neck and sighed when Spencer returned the embrace almost instantly. "You okay?" Spencer asked, seeming unsure why Brendon had given him a hug, but not pulling away.

"Yeah, it's just, sometimes you're just too much and I need to hug it out." Brendon offered jokingly and reluctantly let go. He knew Spencer would just get uncomfortable if Brendon started complementing his personality or his strength.

The look Spencer gave him was dry and sceptical, but Brendon just grinned back before picking up another potato from the sink.

"Weirdo." Spencer offered, sounding fond. As neither of them had any answers to the question about moving, they just changed the subject for the time being.

~*~

At the end of the month Brendon got his wish and managed to talk to his mom for about five minutes. They both ended up bawling their eyes out, but at least now Brendon knew for sure that his family was okay. They kept saying, 'I love you' over and over to each other and when the connection was lost Brendon just sat there on his bed, feeling both drained and happy. Soon after Spencer walked into the room, "The lines couldn't take the traffic, seems like everyone on this planet was trying to call someone. I never got through to my parents, but I'll try again tomorrow. I wish they would just fix the internet servers that were damaged in the EMP pulse, an e-mail would be almost as good as hearing their voices."

Brendon nodded and got to his feet. Spencer seemed to notice that he'd been crying, because he came closer, frowning and wiped Brendon's wet cheek with his thumb. "Everything okay with your family?" he asked worriedly.

Brendon nodded and offered Spencer a wobbly smile. "Yeah, it's just, hearing her voice. I hadn't realised how much it would mean to me."

"I get that." Spencer said, voice soft, his hand still cradling the side of Brendon's face, his thumb still brushing over the cheekbone. Brendon couldn't help but to sway closer, it felt so nice to just be touched like that, intimately, gently.

"Please, can I just..." Brendon said, his voice fading out in the middle of the sentence as his lips brushed against Spencer's. He would swear he hadn't meant to do that, but once he felt Spencer's skin under his lips he just couldn't pull away. The sensation was electrifying, feeling their lips press tightly together, feeling Spencer's beard rub against his face. Brendon wanted -no he needed this. A strangled noise escaped from his throat even as he pulled Spencer closer, winding his arms around Spencer's neck, probably holding on too tightly.

It was both a surprise and a relief that Spencer didn't try to pull away, didn't protest, but instead answered Brendon's kiss with his own and gripped Brendon by the hips, his touch just as desperate as Brendon's.

They stood there, kissing, for what felt like hours. Trading between fast and reckless, and slow and exploratory. At some point Spencer had wormed his hands under Brendon's shirt and was now caressing his back with warm fingers that still managed to make Brendon shiver. As for himself, Brendon had sunk his fingers into Spencer's hair, cradling the back of Spencer's head and trying not to pull on the shaggy locks.

"Fuck. Fuck Brendon, we need to get horizontal right now, before my legs give out." Spencer panted out after extracting himself from the latest kiss.

"Yeah." Brendon agreed, almost breathless and reluctantly let Spencer pull away from him. "And less clothes too." He added and followed his own advice by yanking his shirt over his head in one smooth move.

In short order they had managed to divest themselves of their clothes and climbed into Brendon's bunk. They ended up on their sides, facing each other and for a moment they shared a look that broadcasted clearly how unsure they both were about this. What the fuck am I doing? Brendon thought but at the same time moved those few inches closer to Spencer, bringing their bodies back together.

Spencer let out an almost inaudible gasp as he felt them come together, bare skin touching from chests to knees. Brendon could understand that reaction completely as he felt pretty overwhelmed himself. "So good." He managed to get out before he needed to kiss Spencer again, get that tangible connection back. They were definitely getting better at kissing each other, already Brendon felt comfortable, trusting his instincts about what Spencer would like and the feeling seemed to be mutual, or Spencer was some sort of a kissing savant. Brendon wasn't willing to rule that out just yet.

Brendon had thrown himself so fully into the kissing that the moment when Spencer's hand settled on his ass and pulled him closer, grinding their pelvises together firmly, came as a complete shock to him. Now it was Brendon's turn to gasp, his whole body going rigid for a second before his nerves could adjust to the new sensuous feeling. When Spencer pushed one of his thighs between Brendon's making their cocks align perfectly, Brendon didn't even try to stop himself from moaning. "Just like that, so good Spencer. Fuck I'm so close." He muttered before pulling Spencer back into a plunging kiss. It felt like his whole body was tingling, it had been so long since he'd felt anyone's skin on his, felt someone else caress him like this, give him pleasure. It felt like an overload to his sense of touch, being this connected physically.

All too soon Brendon came, there was no stopping it. Not when Spencer was rocking them together, trapping their cocks in the cradle between their pelvises where he felt his cock rub against Spencer's stomach and his cock. Before Brendon had time to feel awkward about how quick he'd come he could feel Spencer's muscles tightening, his grip on Brendon's lower back suddenly vice-like, before the warm droplets of his come added to the wetness between them and Spencer slumped against him, suddenly boneless. They lay there, still intertwined; breathing hard and Brendon tried not to think as he carded his fingers through Spencer's now slightly sweat damp hair. He didn't know if he should say something, or if he should just get up and pretend none of this had happened. What was the protocol after having sex with your best friend?

"Bren?" Spencer's voice sounded just as unsure as Brendon felt, but it was also rough -sex rough and Brendon tried not to find that hot. Instead he pulled his fingers away from Spencer's hair and forced himself to look Spencer in the eyes.

"Yeah?" He asked, trying to find something in Spencer's eyes, some answer to how they were supposed to act now. All he found was confusion and maybe some guilt. Did Spencer regret this already?

"Uh, maybe we should get cleaned up. And get dressed. I'm really glad nobody came looking for us while we..." and Spencer cut himself of, blushing visibly, which Brendon thought was pretty impressive because Spencer had already been pretty flushed.

"Okay." He said and got to his feet first so Spencer could get out of the bunk bed as well. He'd left his towel drying on the back of a chair that morning and now he used it to wipe away the already sticky spunk on his abs. Brendon offered the cloth to Spencer wordlessly and started to pull his clothes back on.

"Are we okay?" Brendon had to ask once they were both dressed and just standing there, staring at each other with pained looks on their faces.

Brendon saw how Spencer's gaze dropped to his lips for a second before returning guiltily to his eyes. "I hope so, I mean... Fuck. Yeah it's pretty awkward right now, but I think that's normal. It's not like we planned to do that. Let's just give this some time, calm down and shit."

"Okay." Brendon said and then wanted to slap himself on the head, what was it with him right now that seemed to make it impossible for him to speak in real sentences?

"The power is going out in fifteen minutes guys!" They heard Zack shout from downstairs and his voice made them both jump. It was an unwelcome reminder of their reality, at least to Brendon.

Spencer glanced at the door and then made a move to walk out of the room. "You still have time to take a quick shower." He suggested to Brendon. "We'll talk about this later, okay?" and then he was gone.

The room seemed a lot bigger when Brendon was left standing there by himself and suddenly he could smell the jizz in the air, the whole space reeking of sex. Brendon definitely didn't want to explain that to anyone so before he left the room he opened the window, hoping the room would air out while he was in the shower.

They all shared a bathroom upstairs and luckily for Brendon it seemed that the others had already washed up and the room was empty. Brendon shed his clothes again and dropped them in the already overflowing hamper. They needed to do laundry. As Brendon met his own eyes in the mirror the reality of what had just happened seemed to hit home. "Fuck, I just had sex with Spencer." He told his reflection, which reacted to the revelation with a wide-eyed startlement. There was no time to stop and ponder on the fact though, not if he wanted to shower with hot water anyway, so Brendon stepped into the bathtub and started the shower.

~*~

The rest of the night was a bit awkward for Brendon. After the lights went out, they all gathered in the candlelit living room for a chat, nothing unusual about that, but Brendon had a hard time not staring at Spencer. He claimed the armchair, just so that there would be no chance of getting too close to Spencer and somehow messing things up. Ian grumbled about it a bit, but ended up sharing the couch with Spencer and Zack. Dallon was lying down on the floor, an arm resting over his face.

Usually these meetings were about mundane things, assigning the chores or making a list of the things they were running out and figuring out which things they could afford to replace. But this time, when Ian was still complaining about how he always seemed to get dishwashing duty, Spencer interrupted him by saying: "So, now that the phones work again I think we should talk about the future. Brendon and Ian already managed to talk to their parents and I'm hoping I can do the same tomorrow, so I guess what I wanted to talk about is whether we are going home."

Zack seemed to find his hands very fascinating all of a sudden and Dallon had frozen in his spot on the floor. Ian's eyes looked huge on his startled face and Brendon was very determinedly not looking at Spencer.

"You think we could go back?" Ian asked, sounding disbelieving, like he hadn't even thought of the possibility.

From the corner of his eye Brendon could see Spencer nod, "Yeah, not right away though. I mean we'd have to travel by a cargo ship most likely and I'm pretty sure the trip would be really expensive, so we'd need to save up for it. But it's possible."

Zack shifted on his seat and added, "We wouldn't be able to come back. We don't have Australian citizenships and they aren't taking people in. It would be a one-way trip."

Ian was gripping his own arms, his knuckles white. "But we could go home?"

"Yes." Spencer assured him, voice gentle.

"I don't know why you'd want to go back there. Everything there is contaminated; people are still dying from radiation poisoning. There's no government, it's chaos." Dallon murmured, his voice a bit muffled because he was still covering his face with his arm.

They all turned to look at him and Brendon bit his lip worriedly. Dallon sounded so bleak.
"But our families are there." Ian said, before he really realised what that meant to Dallon and then Ian's face fell, his expression stricken as he looked at Brendon, as if hoping he could fix the faux pas.

Before Brendon could think of anything to say Dallon had gotten up and walked out of the room.

"Fuck, I didn't mean it like that." Ian said and rubbed his forehead, looking tired. Zack placed a hand on his shoulder for a moment, offering comfort but then got to his feet as well.

"I know you meant no harm Ian, but there really isn't much left for me and Dallon back there. I think it's best that you three talk about this amongst yourselves."

Once Zack was gone from the room Brendon finally had to meet Spencer's eyes. This was definitely more important than what had happened between them earlier. "Do you think they really meant that? That they'll just stay here?" Brendon asked.

"I think so, yeah. They might change their minds eventually, who knows, but if we're talking about the near future..." Spencer shrugged.

"I want to go home." Ian blurted out, looking from Brendon to Spencer. "I know it might not be the best decision to make. I know it's still dangerous over there, but my family, my girlfriend and my friends are there. Seattle wasn't hit, so it's not so bad in there. I feel like we're in limbo here. This isn't real life."

Spencer nodded and squeezed Ian's thigh just above the knee. "We'll definitely get you home then. As soon as possible, okay? I'll look into it and see what the trip would cost. Maybe there would be a ship that would go to Western Canada, you could definitely make your way home from there, right?"

Ian looked kind of excited already. "Definitely. But I can't believe I didn't think of this myself. I'll have to call my mom again tomorrow and tell her. Thank you guys, seriously." As he said that Ian pulled Spencer into a hug and then jumped up and offered the same to Brendon.

There was a definite skip to Ian's steps as he walked out of the room, leaving Brendon and Spencer alone. Brendon pulled his legs up, wanting to hide behind them just in case Spencer was going to talk about the sex thing. After all he'd said they would talk later.

"Do you think Dallon is going to be okay? Some days he seems to be doing better, like he's almost back to how he was before, but then he says stuff like that." Brendon asked, genuinely worried about Dallon, but also trying to pre-emptively change the subject away from what they had been up to not more than an hour ago.

"He needs time." Spencer said, "Maybe it's better if he stays here for the time being, he can get a fresh start and not everything he sees reminds him of his previous life and the same for Zack too."

Brendon nodded and pulled at the loose threads that were unravelling from the small hole on the knee of his jeans. It was just so strange to look at Spencer right now, because he could still almost imagine he felt Spencer's hands on his skin, his lips against his own. It was such an aberration from the norm it was jarring. This was Spencer for fucks sake, his best friend, that one person he could always count on.

"So I know this isn't something either one of us wants to talk about but we need to. Brendon, can you look at me? Please? Because this is starting to freak me out." Spencer's voice sounded really unsure to Brendon and he didn't want to be the cause of it, so he looked up and met Spencer's eyes.

"I really didn't mean to kiss you, that first time." Brendon started to explain, but noticed Spencer's expression falter at that so he hurried to continue, "But once we started it kind of made sense to me? I mean you were there, you saw how into it I was, fuck, I don't know how to explain it. Just tell me that we're okay, because I can't lose you, not now and not ever."

Spencer moved closer to the edge of his seat, as if he wanted to be at least a bit closer to Brendon and ran his hands through his hair, mussing it up. "You're not going to lose me over this. I think at this point we'd get through anything. I mean fuck it, we survived the apocalypse." Spencer offered with a wry smile. "And as for the sex, well... we both enjoyed ourselves, so I don't see why we should think that's a bad thing. I just, I think we need to talk about whether it was a one off or..." and he trailed off, looking a bit flushed with embarrassment.

Brendon felt the same heat rise to his own face at the thought of doing that again. Having sex with Spencer again. Touching him, naked. It was a lot to take in. And definitely no pun intended. "We could, maybe? Try it out again, just to see if..." Brendon didn't really know how to end the sentence.

"Sounds reasonable." Spencer said and got up. "But not tonight, right? Let's just get back to normal first, make sure this didn't make things weird."

"Definitely." Brendon hurried to agree and followed Spencer out of the room, up the stairs and into their shared bedroom. Somehow the space had seemingly shrunk because as they got ready for bed they kept bumping into each other and getting into each other's way. There was a lot of fumbling around and repeated apologies for said awkwardness.

"Well I think we can say things are weird. I mean we are used to living in a buss together and we never had that much trouble navigating tight spaces with each other around." Spencer commented once he was safely in his bunk.

Brendon huffed out a laugh and pulled the covers over his body. It was definitely getting colder by the day and the house they were living in was definitely not equipped to handle the looming winter.

"We'll get better at it." Brendon said, feeling optimistic. "And dude see how I restrained myself from making a comment about tight spaces."

"You are a prince among men." Spencer said dryly, making Brendon smile.

~*~

As Spencer had promised Ian, he found out how he could get home and how much it would cost them. There was a ship sailing to Vancouver in the end of April and after some number crunching between Spencer and Zack it was decided that they could afford to buy Ian passage on it. Ian was happy, really and genuinely happy and it took Brendon by surprise to notice how different happy Ian was to the Ian they had been living with. It kind of made him feel guilty, as he'd been thinking all this time that Ian was the best adjusted out of all of them and to see now, how much Ian must have been hiding behind his amiable façade.

Saving money for Ian's trip did put a hamper on Brendon's birthday celebration, but they did manage to get a small cake, that Spencer baked while following the recipe so closely it was kind of funny. So he did get his cake and a skateboard, which was really more than he could have asked. Even Dallon laughed and seemed to be okay during his party and they ended the evening by having an epic sing along fest, taking turns on the guitar and goading Spencer and Zack long enough that they had to join the singing as well.

April was a weird month though. It started snowing right after Brendon's birthday making his awesome birthday present kind of useless. Especially after Zack yelled at him for skating in the hallway and forbid him from skating indoors again. The snow wasn't the pretty white kind you always saw in the movies and postcards, but it was grey and sooty. It was also slightly radioactive, so people were advised to avoid exposing bare skin to it. That in turn constricted them indoors while it snowed, so that they wouldn't get it on their faces and after a few days everyone was cranky and annoyed.

Dallon and Zack continued to work at the construction site, and they were told that there were already seven huge green houses ready and people were busy planting all kinds of things in the purified soil. Still everyone was getting kind of tense about the food situation, as could be seen on tv, where the news showed reports of farmers who were worried that they would need to put down their livestock once they ran out of stored feed. The scientists were saying there was a good chance the winter would last more than two years.

"Two fucking years of winter, what is this shit?" Brendon asked the room in general as they were all sitting in front of the TV one night.

"My sweet summer child, you don't even know." Spencer answered, grinning like he thought he'd said something clever.

"What? What was that supposed to mean?" Brendon asked and poked Spencer with his toe.

Spencer just smiled and shrugged, "It's a quote from a book, nothing more sinister."

"Shut up guys, this is tv time, we have all day to talk to each other." Ian whined and flapped his hand, as if trying to shush them with the gesture.

So there was the snow and the fact that the house suddenly resembled a freezer and all of them took to walking around with at least three shirts on and usually dragging their blankets around like capes. That part Brendon actually liked, although he couldn't really play around with the cape idea, as he needed to keep the thing close as not to let his body heat escape the blanket cocoon around him.

Then there was the six-month anniversary of the whole fucking mess. It was kind of subdued, mostly just a candle vigil at the cemetery and people talking about it on the tv. It put a damper on everyone's moods for a few days afterwards and Brendon was really happy when they could start concentrating on Ian's upcoming trip and not just feeling depressed about shit.

Ian didn't really have much stuff to take with him. All his clothes and notebooks fit into a backpack, but still they all managed to stress about his packing for a week. The night before Ian was going they had a party in his honour, not that they had anything fancy to eat or drink, but they made do.

"You'll call when you get home safe." Spencer said, or more like threatened Ian for the millionth time and Ian just laughed and pulled Spencer into a hug, which then devolved into a wrestling match, which ended when Spencer had Ian in a loose chokehold and gave him a noogie.

That night Brendon climbed into bed with Spencer and said, "It's going to be weird when he's gone." It was kind of an explanation as to why he was in bed with Spencer, because even though they had kissed a few times, neither of them had initiated anything more than that since the first time.

Spencer didn't question it though, just pulled the covers over the both of them, "You're right, but it's good to see him that happy."

"We should have done this ages ago! It's so much warmer already, I can't believe I let your dick stop me from sleeping in comfort." Brendon blurted out, changing the subject as he felt their combined body heat warm up the space under the covers.

Spencer snorted, "What does my dick have to do with any of this."

"Well, I might have been a little bit intimidated by the idea of sharing a bed with it again." Brendon answered, making light of his actual reservations.

Spencer let out a breath, it almost sounded like a sigh to Brendon, but he couldn't be sure. "Like we agreed, this thing between us doesn't have to go anywhere. I promise to keep my dick away from you, okay? Let's just go to sleep."

"No, but, I think you understood me wrong again." Brendon protested and was pretty happy that the room was dark and he didn't have to look at Spencer while having this conversation. "I meant, that although your dick seemed like a very friendly dick, I don't really have experience with those? And the whole thing, trying to do this, now, after Sarah... I'm just scared, I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't want this now, when she hasn't been gone for that long. Like I'm admitting that I didn't really love her, or something."

Spencer had listened to his ramble in silence but after Brendon stopped talking he moved a bit closer and hugged Brendon. For a moment neither of them said anything and Brendon just let himself relax and breathe in Spencer's scent. It was soothing and familiar.

"You did love Sarah, you definitely did. But, I don't know, I think you should still be allowed to be happy, even if she's gone. I know this is a horrible cliché but I think she'd want you to be happy. You are allowed to move on. There is no set time that you have to wait, have to be sad, have to grieve. Only you can know when you are ready. I'm not saying this has anything to do with me, I'll be your friend no matter what and I'm saying that as your friend. Not as a dude, who might want to get into your pants." Spencer offered, first serious but then self-deprecating at the end, making Brendon grin despite himself.

"Thanks Spence." He managed to get out, although it in no way expressed all the feelings he had and what he wished he could say to Spencer right then. But maybe it was enough because they both fell asleep soon after.

~*~

After they sent Ian on his way the house got quieter. He and Spencer had the place all to themselves while the others were at work and it took some getting used to. Brendon did like the new development of them making out on the couch though, that was definitely a plus, as they didn't have to worry about anyone walking in on them. So he got used to the idea of make-outs and some quite heavy petting being normal between him and Spencer and he even thought that maybe Sarah would have found it hot if she'd been able to see them. He guessed he was moving on, even if it did make him feel like a horrible person at least once a day.

None of them mentioned it, but there was an envelope in one of the kitchen cupboards where they were saving money. It was obviously for some more boat tickets, for him and Spencer, but they weren't ready to talk about it. Brendon had hinted at the possibility to his mother and she had just said that she wanted Brendon to be safe and happy, no matter which continent he was on. Spencer said his mother had said something similar, but at the same time Brendon could tell Spencer was worried about his family, especially about his dad, whose health hadn't been good even before the whole radiation and nuclear winter thing.

They settled into new routines. Spencer started volunteering his time at the library, which amused Brendon and he started calling Spencer the sexy librarian, just because he could. Even if Spencer was missing the hot glasses. So when Spencer did that Brendon usually took his bike and made his way to a small but more importantly, roofed skate park and messed around. He tried not to think about how he didn't have a job, or how he wasn't contributing anything to their living expenses. That way lay madness, or at least moping and he didn't like to do that. Anyway he was starting to agree with what Ian had said more and more, about Australia being Limbo for them. A part of him seemed ready to go back home and not willing to invest anything in making a commitment to staying here. And a job would certainly be a commitment.

"Will you hate us if we go home?" Brendon ended up asking Zack once, when they were both in the kitchen at the same time.

Zack lifted his brows and gave Brendon a disbelieving look, "Did you seriously just ask me that? Of course not, you idiot. You do what you have to do, if you feel like it's time, then it's time."

Brendon offered Zack a weak grin and then leaped onto Zack, hugging him tight. "And you'll take care of Dallon?" he whispered into Zack's neck.

"I promise." Zack whispered back, returned Brendon's hug for a moment and then dumped his ass back down.

That night, when Spencer had finally stopped fussing with the pile of blankets they had, Brendon said to him, "We should go home soon."

"Yeah?" Spencer sounded flat; like he was trying not to express any emotion he might feel about the topic.

"I talked to Zack, we can talk to Dallon too, tomorrow or whenever, but yeah. I think we should."

Spencer took almost too long to answer and Brendon started having doubts, what if he had made an assumption, what if Spencer had no plans of going back, especially with him. So when Spencer said, "Okay." It was a huge relief and Brendon threw himself on top of Spencer, clinging to him and trying to let the feeling sink in. They were going home.

"You okay?" Spencer asked, patting Brendon's back soothingly and Brendon had to laugh, because this was Spencer, Spencer who was perfect and weird and who was always there for him. He had loved Spencer for what felt like forever, but maybe there was more to it. And maybe that way okay too.

He couldn't say any of this out loud right then, so instead Brendon just kissed Spencer, plunging in greedy and needy all of a sudden. He needed to show Spencer how much he wanted him, how much having him there meant to him and if he couldn't express those feelings in words he would show them to Spencer with his body. Spencer made a surprised sound, which soon after morphed into one of pleasure as Brendon ground down on Spencer's lap, creating that friction that felt so good.

Nobody could accuse Spencer of being slow on the uptake, as in moments Spencer was pulling Brendon's pyjama pants down, exposing his cock and palming it gently. Brendon huffed out a breath, grateful that Spencer's hands weren't as cold as his own were, and fucked into Spencer's fist, his cock getting very interested, very quickly. All of this was distracting Brendon from his mission though, so reluctantly he shimmied downwards, until he was too far away for Spencer to reach and kissed Spencer's exposed belly where his t-shirt had ridden up.

"Brendon, are you sure you want to?" Spencer started to ask, but shut up very fast when Brendon got a hold of the waistband of his pyjamas and pulled them down.

He had never done this, or even been this close to anyone's cock before. It did look a lot bigger from this angle, but Brendon had never been much of a shrinking violet, so he forged ahead, putting his lips on the shaft. Going by the groan Spencer let out, Brendon was happily assured that it didn't seem to take great skill to make Spencer happy. Of course he'd gotten blowjobs before so he knew what he liked and went about replicating some of the less adventurous moves. It seemed that Spencer really liked if he licked right under the slit and dragged his tongue way down to his balls before coming back up again.

After he got bored doing that and was more confident that he was actually doing a pretty okay job all in all, Brendon steadied Spencer's cock into an upward angle with his right had and tried to fit the thing in his mouth. Spencer's whole body seemed to convulse for a second and the strangled noise he let out, made Brendon feel awesome. Obviously he was the king of blowjobs. Still Brendon was sure he wasn't ready to stuff the whole length into his mouth so he concentrated his efforts to the tip, licking and sucking around the head and tipping his tongue into the slit from time to time, just to see Spencer squirm.

Just when his jaw was starting to get achy and tired Spencer mumbled out something that Brendon thought had to mean he was about to come, so he pulled off and finished Spencer with his hand, jerking him off hard and fast, fascinated by the sight of Spencer so far gone. He'd done that, he'd made Spencer flush red, he'd made Spencer hard and now he was about to make Spencer come. When Spencer was finished, his breath heaving like he'd run a mile, Brendon slid his fingers through the still warm come, watching as Spencer's cock twitched weakly and became aware that he was fucking desperate to come as well. Making Spencer come had been so fucking hot and he'd loved the power it gave him, but right now he wanted Spencer to pay attention to his dick for a change.

Brendon moved up the mattress until he was at the right height for a kiss and robbed one from Spencer, while he was still kind of out of it, pliant and flushed. Soon though, Spencer got himself back together, his hands sliding down Brendon's back, over his buttocks and around his hips until he was teasing Brendon's erection with his hands. "Don't even think about teasing me right now Spencer Smith. I just blew you and you definitely owe me an orgasm."

"'Kay. A rain check on a blowjob though, I don't think I'm co-ordinated enough to return the favour right now." Spencer said, his voice slurring just a bit, as if he'd had a few beers and tightened his grip on Brendon's dick until it was just right, firm but not too tight.

Brendon didn't know or care if this was a common drummer thing or what, but Spencer surely could keep up a tempo. He started out kind of slow, too slow in Brendon's opinion right then, but when he let out a wordless whine Spencer kept to his word and didn't tease him but instead moved his hand faster. On every third upstroke Spencer would twist his wrist as he came to the head and it was heavenly. Brendon didn't even try to stop his hips from moving but instead fucked into Spencer's fist, desperate to come. It didn't take him very long to get there either and Brendon gasped for air as his balls pulled up and he let himself come. It hit Spencer's belly and some got on his shirt as well but Brendon was beyond caring at that point.

"We should have done that ages ago." Brendon said and let himself slide off Spencer and onto the mattress instead. He pulled his pants back up and rested his forehead against Spencer's shoulder, trying to even his breath. Spencer wiped the come off himself as best he could and then wiped his hand on the sheet, making an annoyed sound.

"This is gross, I should have gotten up but fuck it, we can always do laundry tomorrow." Spencer said and started the process of getting them both back under the covers all over again. Brendon was happy to just lie there and let Spencer take care of that. He felt sated and happy. Orgasms were definitely awesome.

"I'm the blowjob king." He muttered to Spencer as he finally settled back down.

"Not going to argue with you about that." Spencer said, sounding amused and twined their fingers together. Brendon had to smile, because how sappy was that? Still, it did feel nice too and it wasn't like Brendon was going to pull his hand free. It was nice to rest his hand on Spencer's stomach and have that connection. They were clearly going to be alright.